Drowning
On Saturday, I woke up thinking it was Thursday. I’m not sure why, as I had gone to bed the night before thinking it was Thursday, so I should’ve at least thought it was a Friday!
That last week was a tough one to get through. Each day I had to will myself to be patient with my family, to give myself space, and to just survive.
I hit a wall.
Nothing read, nothing written.
Just a growing list of things to read and ideas to write.
But I persevere, as we all do. I look on at those with ‘office jobs’ with jealousy for the structure of their days. The mundane that many take for granted giving them a steady rhythm to let the time pass more quickly. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want an ‘office job,’ but I want my work to be taken as seriously as an ‘office job’. Not by anyone else but by myself. Unfortunately, I created this ‘flexible’ work structure to be flexible, and right now, its flexibility is being tested more than ever, with family and home taking priority and work coming in a distant second, leaving ‘me time’ nearly nonexistent.
Not overwhelmed
One of the only newsletters that I’ve been loyal to is from Storythings. They’re always brilliantly curated with just the right flavour and variety of articles. And in last week’s newsletter, they recommended Tom Chatfield’s ‘10 Commandments for Critical Thinking’.
Points 2. and 4. (in the video and listed below) were what I needed to hear especially. I’ve never had regular weeks in the last ten years, but what’s different right now is that I don’t have much control of the situation. Every day is different when it’s managed around others (especially a toddler) and it’s made more difficult when I easily prioritise my family over my work. So, guilt kicks in at the end of the day when I have time to reflect on the little work I did and the amount of work I have to do.
- Slow down
- Conserve mental energy (limited willpower, mental energy, attention)
- If in doubt, wait
- Know your limits
- Beware sunk costs
- Judge strategy, not results
- Most things revert to the mean
- Seek refutation over confirmation
- Beware your frames of references
- Every single option can be wrong
The video reminded me that if an activity (that’s non-work) took up a lot of mental energy during the day, I should allow myself time off work, or I should at least expect not to be productive at work. It’s about knowing my limits and acknowledging them. In reality, it’s about being ok with myself when I decide to lounge in front of the TV for an hour or so at the end of the day, rather than work unproductively, or worse, sit in front of the computer just filled with anxiety.
Surprisingly, this newsletter (click to read all posts) has turned out to be a much-needed float for me to hang on to. The weekly postings giving me something to look forward to.
Breathing (not thinking)
Surviving isn’t something to laugh at. Being able to get through adversity is crucial to life, to being alive.
For many of us, survival during this period might mean that we need to stop thinking, stop planning, stop looking to the long-term. This is probably the hardest thing I have to do for I am a ‘big picture’ person at heart. I need to be able to see some kind of long-term view (even if it’s just some concepts), but when that is constantly changing day-by-day, hour-by-hour, it brings more anxiety than calm.
So, I have to stop thinking for a bit.
But, that’s ok.
It’s just about accepting the reality of the moment.
How many of you are finding it hard to be productive? Or how many of you are being over-productive? Whatever your coping mechanisms might be, remember to be good to yourself. Conserve mental energy and know your limits. Don’t ignore your inner voice. If you’d like to talk about how you’re coping, message me.
I’ll leave you with a piece of flash fiction I wrote for Visual Verse in October 2017 that seems quite apt for the moment.
When the Sea Falls
He was waiting for the sea to fall on him, or so the stories go. He was cursed. They made time stop and tilted the sea up, with him underneath. The waves looked like clouds against a turquoise sky—those who have seen it describe it similarly. Everyone believed the stories, and everyone felt sad for him. It was punishment, for he had stolen glances at the unseeable. What he saw would’ve probably been punishment enough, but the legend remained—he is to lie, upside down, in a moment frozen, with only his thoughts free. His mind unfettered, everyone believed him to have gone mad by now. No one really knew how long he had been that way, but there were rumours, which would make you cry.
In his mind, he welcomed the moment, hoping that it would be soon. He wanted the sea to fall.
